This blog, for the moment anyway, is an assignment. Janet, my writing mentor, suggested coming back to it as a low-pressure way to return to the page. I needed a break from the longer personal essays I've been working on— they are heavier work and leave me feeling bogged down sometimes— buuut I wound up not writing anything at all during that break. *Sigh*
Deadlines are usually good at motivating me. I am more likely to finish a project if there's some outside accountability, so I made it may summer goal to finish a new essay and polish up older ones to submit as a collection for an award with a September 1 due date, not so much for the idea of "winning" but for the satisfaction of having finished. I started out pretty excited about this but as June and July came and went I just wasn't getting anywhere. I'd sit down to write and just feel pressure, which completely destroyed any creative inspiration I had. I finally made the decision to let it go. I knew it was what I needed to do but I still felt lousy about it.
I emailed Janet, embarrassed to say I was "quitting." I thought she’d think I was a complete flake, stopping and starting and stopping again (It wasn’t the first time I'd done this.) “But that’s exactly how books get written!” she said when we had a phone call. Yes, there are writers who thrive with a disciplined and more regimented approach to their work, but the rest of us write in fits and starts. The going away and coming back is just part of the process. My yoga teacher says that meditation is an act of constantly starting over. I like that analogy. I never quit this, I just keep starting again.
